You see someone you care about in a destructive pattern, and you want so badly for them to pull out. So you rage and scream, plead, beg, and pray.
And it doesn't change.
The hardest lesson for me to learn--and I think, now that I look back, that I've been learning it all my life--is that there are some things I just can't keep from happening.
That's not the lesson, though.
The lesson is that there is One Who CAN. And will I trust Him to be my champion as He was Leah's, as He was Mary's, as He was Magdalena's?
The Truth Universally Acknowledged
7.23.2008
i see the world on His shoulders, and my easy load
I've got so much coming up with the end of the term and the start of the fall session. I've got the ethics portion of the bar (early August), the final for my second session class (mid August) and my paper (25 pages--I've never written that much all in one go) is due when my prof gets back from Austria (late August). Oh, and then fall term starts, and 17 hours along with it. Not to mention meeting the deadline for applying for the bar, and on-campus interviewing. Oh, and then the bar, and then trying to get a job to pay back the ridiculous debt I've accrued.
But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.
And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:
"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"
But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.
And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:
"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"
7.17.2008
she wore an...
My life is full of numbers.
10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)
28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.
Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.
10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)
28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.
Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.
6.16.2008
where is Death's power; where, Grave, thy victory?
My grief has finally arrived, and is showing up in strange ways. My heart keeps panicking at strange times, fearing unexpected and tragic deaths of loved ones. Holding a sleeping baby...climbing into bed beside my sleeping husband...I think it's the shock of watching Mom die so young...my brain is processing the knowledge that horrible things can happen. Which is a good thing to have processed, but at the same time I shouldn't be fearing that my husband or other close relative will be taken away from me. Mom was terminally sick--everyone else is pretty healthy.
I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.
I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.
There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.
I just want my mommy back.
I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.
I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.
There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.
I just want my mommy back.
5.27.2008
this treason from within that reasons with my sin
Day 8 (of projected 21) of Daniel's fast. You know, I never knew just how much I loved meat until I quit eating it. And I thought what I would miss most would be the pastas and leavened breads. Nope. I think I can do without those.
As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.
Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.
As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.
Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.
5.05.2008
To my beautiful, life-long friend
Today my beautiful mother died. A spirit so strong was forced to succumb to the infirmity of her body.
What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?
What can I do but love her?
What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?
What can I do but love her?
3.06.2008
wake up and pay attention
I realized the other day that I live my life by halves. I've never thrown myself fully into anything--school, music, relationships...anything. Which makes me wonder at my untapped potential. Who was it that said (something like) our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure?
That's me.
But what am I afraid of?
Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just making excuses. It just feels like I have the life I choose to have...so I should be making better choices.
My personal motto right now is something out of Star Wars. Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi on Dagobah, and Yoda tells Luke,
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
That's me.
That's me.
But what am I afraid of?
Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just making excuses. It just feels like I have the life I choose to have...so I should be making better choices.
My personal motto right now is something out of Star Wars. Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi on Dagobah, and Yoda tells Luke,
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
That's me.
2.04.2008
Stand and Deliver
We all want to be courageous. Fight--go over the top, when necessary. I've been mistaken in that I thought courage took action.
God has been proving me wrong.
There is an issue in my life that God is working on. A wound that was imperfectly healed is now being healed completely. The only problem is that, like a poorly set bone, I have to be rebroken in order to heal correctly. So I'm a mess right now! Going through emotion and pain that I thought I was done with...knowing that I can't do anything to make it better--or it will only make it worse.
That's what God is teaching me. Yes, He wants us to be brave, but sometimes that bravery takes the form of standing still, and allowing God to go before and do the work (in a moment!) you would have strived for months to get done. To be still, so God can show up (and show off!).
I don't think I've ever been so sorely tried as I've been this past week. But it's working...every time I feel pain, I wait on the Lord, and He's faithful to show me the truth to the lie I've been believing. It's scary (and exciting!) to rely entirely on Him--but I know that's the bottom line of the lesson I've been learning (really) for the last few years. Trust God to be Who He is at any point in your life.
God has been proving me wrong.
There is an issue in my life that God is working on. A wound that was imperfectly healed is now being healed completely. The only problem is that, like a poorly set bone, I have to be rebroken in order to heal correctly. So I'm a mess right now! Going through emotion and pain that I thought I was done with...knowing that I can't do anything to make it better--or it will only make it worse.
That's what God is teaching me. Yes, He wants us to be brave, but sometimes that bravery takes the form of standing still, and allowing God to go before and do the work (in a moment!) you would have strived for months to get done. To be still, so God can show up (and show off!).
I don't think I've ever been so sorely tried as I've been this past week. But it's working...every time I feel pain, I wait on the Lord, and He's faithful to show me the truth to the lie I've been believing. It's scary (and exciting!) to rely entirely on Him--but I know that's the bottom line of the lesson I've been learning (really) for the last few years. Trust God to be Who He is at any point in your life.
1.11.2008
Sleeping in Class
New workout regimen + late nights + new semester + work = sleeping in class.
It's so embarrassing, too! Oh, you can laugh about it later, but when you're in the middle of it and your head snaps back for the 4th time, or settles down into the warmth of your laptop...well, you just hope that no one noticed.
But people notice. I notice when other people are nodding. The bad thing is, I happen to know that I am NOT a pretty sleeper. Generally my mouth is open (though, mercifully, emitting no sound).
Oh well. I'm glad the semester has begun again, and glad to be almost to my next pay raise, and glad to be finally--FINALLY!--getting down to business health-wise. There's nothing like a new bill (though reasonable) every month to keep you motivated. I swear, this week, the thought of the automatic draft from our bank account was the only thing that kept me going to the gym.
Professor is actually professing right now, so I guess I'd better pay attention.
It's so embarrassing, too! Oh, you can laugh about it later, but when you're in the middle of it and your head snaps back for the 4th time, or settles down into the warmth of your laptop...well, you just hope that no one noticed.
But people notice. I notice when other people are nodding. The bad thing is, I happen to know that I am NOT a pretty sleeper. Generally my mouth is open (though, mercifully, emitting no sound).
Oh well. I'm glad the semester has begun again, and glad to be almost to my next pay raise, and glad to be finally--FINALLY!--getting down to business health-wise. There's nothing like a new bill (though reasonable) every month to keep you motivated. I swear, this week, the thought of the automatic draft from our bank account was the only thing that kept me going to the gym.
Professor is actually professing right now, so I guess I'd better pay attention.
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9.03.2008
love wash over a multitude of things
You see someone you care about in a destructive pattern, and you want so badly for them to pull out. So you rage and scream, plead, beg, and pray.
And it doesn't change.
The hardest lesson for me to learn--and I think, now that I look back, that I've been learning it all my life--is that there are some things I just can't keep from happening.
That's not the lesson, though.
The lesson is that there is One Who CAN. And will I trust Him to be my champion as He was Leah's, as He was Mary's, as He was Magdalena's?
And it doesn't change.
The hardest lesson for me to learn--and I think, now that I look back, that I've been learning it all my life--is that there are some things I just can't keep from happening.
That's not the lesson, though.
The lesson is that there is One Who CAN. And will I trust Him to be my champion as He was Leah's, as He was Mary's, as He was Magdalena's?
7.23.2008
i see the world on His shoulders, and my easy load
I've got so much coming up with the end of the term and the start of the fall session. I've got the ethics portion of the bar (early August), the final for my second session class (mid August) and my paper (25 pages--I've never written that much all in one go) is due when my prof gets back from Austria (late August). Oh, and then fall term starts, and 17 hours along with it. Not to mention meeting the deadline for applying for the bar, and on-campus interviewing. Oh, and then the bar, and then trying to get a job to pay back the ridiculous debt I've accrued.
But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.
And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:
"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"
But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.
And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:
"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"
7.17.2008
she wore an...
My life is full of numbers.
10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)
28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.
Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.
10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)
28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.
Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.
6.16.2008
where is Death's power; where, Grave, thy victory?
My grief has finally arrived, and is showing up in strange ways. My heart keeps panicking at strange times, fearing unexpected and tragic deaths of loved ones. Holding a sleeping baby...climbing into bed beside my sleeping husband...I think it's the shock of watching Mom die so young...my brain is processing the knowledge that horrible things can happen. Which is a good thing to have processed, but at the same time I shouldn't be fearing that my husband or other close relative will be taken away from me. Mom was terminally sick--everyone else is pretty healthy.
I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.
I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.
There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.
I just want my mommy back.
I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.
I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.
There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.
I just want my mommy back.
5.27.2008
this treason from within that reasons with my sin
Day 8 (of projected 21) of Daniel's fast. You know, I never knew just how much I loved meat until I quit eating it. And I thought what I would miss most would be the pastas and leavened breads. Nope. I think I can do without those.
As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.
Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.
As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.
Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.
5.05.2008
To my beautiful, life-long friend
Today my beautiful mother died. A spirit so strong was forced to succumb to the infirmity of her body.
What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?
What can I do but love her?
What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?
What can I do but love her?
3.06.2008
wake up and pay attention
I realized the other day that I live my life by halves. I've never thrown myself fully into anything--school, music, relationships...anything. Which makes me wonder at my untapped potential. Who was it that said (something like) our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure?
That's me.
But what am I afraid of?
Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just making excuses. It just feels like I have the life I choose to have...so I should be making better choices.
My personal motto right now is something out of Star Wars. Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi on Dagobah, and Yoda tells Luke,
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
That's me.
That's me.
But what am I afraid of?
Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just making excuses. It just feels like I have the life I choose to have...so I should be making better choices.
My personal motto right now is something out of Star Wars. Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi on Dagobah, and Yoda tells Luke,
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
That's me.
2.04.2008
Stand and Deliver
We all want to be courageous. Fight--go over the top, when necessary. I've been mistaken in that I thought courage took action.
God has been proving me wrong.
There is an issue in my life that God is working on. A wound that was imperfectly healed is now being healed completely. The only problem is that, like a poorly set bone, I have to be rebroken in order to heal correctly. So I'm a mess right now! Going through emotion and pain that I thought I was done with...knowing that I can't do anything to make it better--or it will only make it worse.
That's what God is teaching me. Yes, He wants us to be brave, but sometimes that bravery takes the form of standing still, and allowing God to go before and do the work (in a moment!) you would have strived for months to get done. To be still, so God can show up (and show off!).
I don't think I've ever been so sorely tried as I've been this past week. But it's working...every time I feel pain, I wait on the Lord, and He's faithful to show me the truth to the lie I've been believing. It's scary (and exciting!) to rely entirely on Him--but I know that's the bottom line of the lesson I've been learning (really) for the last few years. Trust God to be Who He is at any point in your life.
God has been proving me wrong.
There is an issue in my life that God is working on. A wound that was imperfectly healed is now being healed completely. The only problem is that, like a poorly set bone, I have to be rebroken in order to heal correctly. So I'm a mess right now! Going through emotion and pain that I thought I was done with...knowing that I can't do anything to make it better--or it will only make it worse.
That's what God is teaching me. Yes, He wants us to be brave, but sometimes that bravery takes the form of standing still, and allowing God to go before and do the work (in a moment!) you would have strived for months to get done. To be still, so God can show up (and show off!).
I don't think I've ever been so sorely tried as I've been this past week. But it's working...every time I feel pain, I wait on the Lord, and He's faithful to show me the truth to the lie I've been believing. It's scary (and exciting!) to rely entirely on Him--but I know that's the bottom line of the lesson I've been learning (really) for the last few years. Trust God to be Who He is at any point in your life.
1.11.2008
Sleeping in Class
New workout regimen + late nights + new semester + work = sleeping in class.
It's so embarrassing, too! Oh, you can laugh about it later, but when you're in the middle of it and your head snaps back for the 4th time, or settles down into the warmth of your laptop...well, you just hope that no one noticed.
But people notice. I notice when other people are nodding. The bad thing is, I happen to know that I am NOT a pretty sleeper. Generally my mouth is open (though, mercifully, emitting no sound).
Oh well. I'm glad the semester has begun again, and glad to be almost to my next pay raise, and glad to be finally--FINALLY!--getting down to business health-wise. There's nothing like a new bill (though reasonable) every month to keep you motivated. I swear, this week, the thought of the automatic draft from our bank account was the only thing that kept me going to the gym.
Professor is actually professing right now, so I guess I'd better pay attention.
It's so embarrassing, too! Oh, you can laugh about it later, but when you're in the middle of it and your head snaps back for the 4th time, or settles down into the warmth of your laptop...well, you just hope that no one noticed.
But people notice. I notice when other people are nodding. The bad thing is, I happen to know that I am NOT a pretty sleeper. Generally my mouth is open (though, mercifully, emitting no sound).
Oh well. I'm glad the semester has begun again, and glad to be almost to my next pay raise, and glad to be finally--FINALLY!--getting down to business health-wise. There's nothing like a new bill (though reasonable) every month to keep you motivated. I swear, this week, the thought of the automatic draft from our bank account was the only thing that kept me going to the gym.
Professor is actually professing right now, so I guess I'd better pay attention.
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