you have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile

For years, perhaps my entire life, I've been plagued by an arrogant demeanor. No matter what I try to change or how hard I try to overcome it, my outside just doesn't match my inside. Because I am honestly not the kind of person who wants other people to feel lesser.

I've pinpointed when it's worst with the help of kind and honest friends and peers:

#1: it only presents a problem in two areas of my life--music and work. The two places where I am most passionate about what I do.

#2: Even in these passionate areas, it only happens when I'm trying to solve a problem.

#3: It's a first impression problem. Invariably, if a reasonable person will just stick it out with me, they'll learn how to see past the veneer to the heart underneath.

I'm never satisfied with simply chalking this characteristic up to "that's just who I am." Because it's NOT who I am. What is up with this complete inability to accurately portray my heart?

when sorrows like sea billows roll

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. Ps. 30:11-12 (ESV)

Think of the psalmist who composed the lines above. He was mourning (according to most versions, other versions say "wailing" or "sobbing" or "wild lament"). Mourning does not happen to blissful, undisturbed people going about commonplace lives. The psalmist claims that his mourning was turned into dancing so that his glory could give PRAISE to God.

I tend to think this psalm was written after God had already done something amazing for the psalmist, and not as a prayer of faith. I like to ask myself what the psalmist would have been thinking while in the midst of his mourning. Do you think he grumbled and resented God for allowing horrible things to happen to him? Do you think he felt disillusioned with life, and thought (even for a moment) that the promises of God were bankrupted by the enormity of his pain?

We are often very quick to express our desire that our lives be a testimony, or a witness, to the glory of God and the gospel of Christ. But often I think we speak that sentiment heedlessly, without due consideration for WHAT exactly the Lord will ask us to witness ABOUT. We cross our fingers and hope that we get the "cattle on a thousand hills" testimony--riches and fame to the glory of God.

What happens if God's perfect plan for your life is to witness the harder things about the gospel of Christ: forgiveness, reconciliation, grace, mercy? These are lovely words to define, but painful to demonstrate effectively. And there's no question that we are MEANT to demonstrate them. (1 John 3:18). We are not simply God's little children with our hands open to receive blessing; we are the very breathing body of Christ himself. It stands to reason that each of us is called to exemplify an aspect of His nature. Technically we're called to exemplify ALL aspects of His nature, but there's grace for that inevitable failure!

So how will we react when the witness God formed us to bring doesn't exactly fit our definition of an "extraordinary" life? What if we are meant to show God's power in healing (which first requires disease, injury, heartache) or forgiveness and reconciliation (which first require broken relationships) or mercy (which first requires betrayal) or grace (which first requires failure)?

Are we prepared to be the people we claim to be?

but i will go through the fire, if You want me to

But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day. The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble.
Proverbs 4:18-19

I've heard sermons preached on Prov 4:18 before. The general gist has been that if a man is righteous, his prosperity will increase and not diminish.

This verse was spoken over me once, in such a way that it seemed to mean exactly what it said, and had nothing at all to do with my finances. So the application was a little obscure. I was reminded of this verse the other day and decided to read it with the verses surrounding it.

I think verse 19 helps understand verse 18. Both verses refer to a path. Both righteous and wicked have a path laid before them. But the wicked's path is shrouded in darkness, which is its distinction from the lighted path of the righteous.

The wicked do not know over what they stumble because they cannot see it. That does not mean that the righteous will not have stumbling blocks in his path--simply that the way will be well lit for him, and he will be able to identify what makes him stumble, and either avoid or conquer it.

I think the point of these verses is not that only the wicked will have problems in their life. But our God will not leave us to wander in darkness.

canta y no llores

"The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise." Proverbs 27:21 (ESV).

That verse is underlined in my Bible. I love it for a few reasons.

This past year or so has been the hardest of my adult life. It seems like there was opposition as I turned every corner. Yet, last October I received a word that God was choosing THIS year (this past year) to be the year when He poured Himself into me. That particular word went on to command, in no uncertain terms, that I was to praise.

Notice how the Lord didn't say it was going to be the best, or most prosperous, year of my life. He said He chose this year to pour into me, and told me to praise.

Even though this has been the worst year ever, I've never been happier. And I think it's because through every trial, I have done as instructed. I have praised. The verse above talks about refining fires--fires that determine the quality of a metal and purge it of impurities.

Our praise is both a demonstrative for the quality of a person and the mechanism by which we become people of quality. When I was telling a dear friend about a problem I was facing, she said, "Wow, and you're still up there praising." And I said, "What else is there to do?" How convenient would it be to fall to pieces? To back out of my oath to God when the pain begins? But what reward is there in that? I would much rather stand within the flames with His name on my lips than to slink defeated into the shadows.

The title of this post comes from the traditional Mexican song "Cielito Lindo." Canta y no llores, porque cantando se alegran, Cielito Lindo, los corazones. "Sing and don't cry. Because singing gladdens the heart." The rest of the song makes no sense at all to me, but I've always loved that refrain. Canta y no llores. It looks like Proverbs agrees.

P.S. (a very nerdy and overly-thorough post script) I'm always careful with quoting the Bible in a public forum like this. I try to make sure I read enough translations of the verse I'm going to quote so as to make sure that I'm getting a complete picture. According to several of the more modern English translations, and ALL the Spanish ones I could find, the verse above does not refer to a man's act of praise, but rather what determines the quality of a man is the praise he receives from others, or his reputation. I certainly think that's true in a sense, but there is little spiritual gain for me in that. The Amplified bears out my interpretation, though I suppose I could do some cross-referencing to further support it. Oh my.

i write more often than it appears here...

...really, I do. At any given moment I have about 2 or 3 draft blogs on different topics. Sometimes they get finished, sometimes they languish. Sometimes it's just a piece of song I liked for a title, but don't really have anything to say about it yet, and I throw it into a draft just so I won't forget it later...

let it be a sweet, sweet sound

Our pastor began a new series on Sunday about relationships. The first message was a opener about how to live in harmony with one another. He kept using the word harmony in the context of "absence of conflict." And it reminded me of a thought that has been running through my spirit for about a year now:

"God is in the harmony."

As a musician/singer/songwriter, I know that harmony is a tool that adds depth and diversity to a musical composition. As a performer, I know that there are few things that shoot adrenaline through my system faster than a well executed 3-4 part harmony. I've seen people singing along as the team sings the melody, and then when the song builds and the voices break into parts, I see them fall on their knees, lift their hands, or turn their smiling faces heavenward. God is in the harmony.

Which isn't to say that He ISN'T in the melody as well, but I think there's a particular truth to be learned by considering musical harmony from a spiritually analogous perspective. Pastor said Sunday that most conflict arises from "differences" between people, and pointed out how our differences from our loved ones often rub us the wrong way. He said, "It would all be so much easier if we were all the same!" The church laughed, and I thought, "But then there'd be no 'harmony' because when everyone is the same, it's 'melody.'" There MUST be people singing different notes in order to get the richest sound. Sometimes the best-sounding harmony is "dissonance" (where two notes very close to each other are played producing a "clashing" sound).

So let us rejoice in our differences, and be "quick to hear" the harmony it brings.

i believe you have forgiven me, and by your grace i will forgive

The hits just keep on coming.

What I love about tough times in life is the peace that God grants me in the middle of turmoil. Sure, that circumstance just beat me to a pulp and left me bloody, bruised, and broken, but Jesus wasn't just making up catchy names when He called the Holy Spirit a "Helper." Also, "Comforter."

But it's uncomfortable, you know, when your brother betrays you, and the only "help" you get from the Holy Spirit is a gentle, "Seventy times seven." But the one thing about my faith and its application in my life that has always seemed quite straightforward is forgiveness. How can I withhold that which was so freely given to me?

There is nothing emotional about forgiveness. If you wait until you feel like forgiving someone, it will never happen. Forgiveness of others is a RESPONSE to the forgiveness you've been granted. It is an act of worship.

how could I know the morning if I knew not midnight?

I got a job after nearly 7 months of unemployment. It's a litigation position in Houston, uptown.

I find I don't blog as much as I'd like to, and it makes me wonder if I should reformat to a themed blog--experiences of a young attorney? the life of worship ministry? relevant study of scripture? I think my Facebook account covers what's actually happening in my life enough that this medium could be a different kind of outlet.

No one reads it, anyway.