where is Death's power; where, Grave, thy victory?

My grief has finally arrived, and is showing up in strange ways. My heart keeps panicking at strange times, fearing unexpected and tragic deaths of loved ones. Holding a sleeping baby...climbing into bed beside my sleeping husband...I think it's the shock of watching Mom die so young...my brain is processing the knowledge that horrible things can happen. Which is a good thing to have processed, but at the same time I shouldn't be fearing that my husband or other close relative will be taken away from me. Mom was terminally sick--everyone else is pretty healthy.

I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.

I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.

There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.

I just want my mommy back.