I'm off to explore every boundary and every door--yeah I'm goin' North...

You know you're a grown-up when:

The weekends take on new significance and importance, as the only freedom available during your week.
Caffeine also takes on a new significance and importance, as the only thing that can jump-start a Monday morning.
Vacation actually means something. Not just break from school, which is very carefree altogether, but a get-away from work.

Speaking of vacation--how excited am I about Wisconsin? VERY stinking excited. I can't wait to get out of the heat and into light scarves, jackets, and jeans. Lighting a fire at night because it actually gets cold. Swimming in the river, basking in the sun, eating AMAZING food, and getting to know my family a little better than last year.

Wisconsin has always been a retreat for me...and I think my Dad worked hard to make it that way. I absolutely LOVE living in Texas, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life so far, but there's something about the peace and serenity of the hills and valleys of rural Wisconsin that just speaks directly to my soul...

...and reminds me of the Meadow, and Hazel, and running around barefoot and hardly clothed--or else dressed to the nines in my aunts' discarded formalwear...

and I rejoice that I had those days, and that there are better yet to come as my family continues to grow.

I love you guys, and I'll see you soon!

"up where the hunted hide with ease,
under the arms of eyeless trees,
up where the answers fall like leaves,
oh and your love is all I need,
yeah, I'm goin' North."

like a boss

I figured I'd blog a little more often about the new-found interest my life has attained.

Today's Attorney Lesson: Being the Boss

OK, so clearly there is only one BOSS at this firm--the guy with his name on the door. But there's a firm hierarchy in which I, as an associate attorney, am no longer the low man on the pole. At the top there are the partners (the Names), directly below them are the associates (arrayed by experience and length of time w/ the firm), below them are the paralegals (who, in my opinion, are the backbone of the profession) and below the paralegals are the general support staff--intake, secretaries, runners, receptionists, etc. There's also an office manager, who, as far as I have ever been able to tell, has the impossible job of keeping everyone happy.

So I have my "very own" paralegal, who helps me out with the clerical aspects of my job--the faxing, the routine client calls, calling doctors for medical reports, etc. Earlier today I was sitting in my office about to draft a document (about which I was only 65% sure) and it occurred to me that maybe I'm not the one who does that. So I marched over to a more senior associate's office and asked for a briefing on HOW TO USE my legal assistant.

I've never been "above" anyone before. I've always been the assistor, not the assistee. It's kind of nice, knowing that there is someone who has my back if I just get super overwhelmed or anything. And that I probably don't have to send faxes myself anymore--I hate faxing. It's like the most unreliable method of communication EVER DEVISED.

So that's Brenna's lesson for today. How to roll like a boss.

big wheel keep on turnin'

I got a job as a workers comp attorney in South SATX. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

It's like I'm seeing everything for the first time. Through new eyes. The eyes of an attorney--a productive member of society. A grown up. I get up early and work all day.

But in a lot of ways I still feel like the 18 year old who left home 7 years ago and has been supporting herself ever since. I still feel like a kid who's just getting by until her ship comes in. But it's arrived, and I'm on board.

In other news, we'll be heading to Wisconsin at the end of this month. I've been in need of a vacation, I think. I can't wait to see my ENTIRE family and just chill out, eating and laughing and talking.

with every breath I take in, I'll tell You I'm grateful again

I passed the bar. I was in Target, doing some shopping, when I pulled out my phone to check my shopping list and thought, "Oh, well, I'll just open the internet browser and see if they posted the results." They were there.
*Tap "Pass List"*
*Tap "S"*
*Stare crazily at screen*
*See name*
*Scream and cry.*

I'm not going to say it was the greatest day of my life. But I will say I felt relief and elation like nothing I'd ever felt before.

So...if anyone knows of job openings for attorneys in the greater San Antonio area, let me know!

I know I promised puppy pictures--I'll ask J to give me some (he's the photographer) and I'll post them next time--hopefully sooner than 3 months from now!

in the heat of the day, with each stone that I lay

Well, I know it's been quite a while. My fall semester was ridiculous, taking 17 hours like a crazy person so I could get within the required hours to take the bar exam early.

And I am! Taking the bar, I mean. I've been studying (and only studying) for a month now, and there's less than 3 weeks to go! 3 years of preparation, and it all comes down to this. The test itself is 3 days long, starting Feb 24 at 9 am and ending Feb 26 at 4 pm. This is not just a test of mental aptitude and knowledge of the law--this is a test of physical, emotional, and spiritual endurance. We did a practice exam the other day and I almost fell asleep during the afternoon session. I'm going to have to train harder.

Because I haven't REALLY been studying as MUCH as I should, I suppose. But for some reason, just as always, I don't feel panicked. I study hard, and then I play with my puppy (pictures to come!) or hang out with my husband...who is also super busy--it was a good choice registering him for 15 hours while I took the bar! He doesn't feel so neglected...of course, I suppose I will starting in March! ha!

Anyway, and as usual, it's a wonderful life. God is blessing the Bible study I lead for the women in the law school, and my marriage is happy and healthy. Savannah (puppy) unfortunately has to stay in a crate much of the day, but that will change after the bar. So many things will change after the bar!

love wash over a multitude of things

You see someone you care about in a destructive pattern, and you want so badly for them to pull out. So you rage and scream, plead, beg, and pray.

And it doesn't change.

The hardest lesson for me to learn--and I think, now that I look back, that I've been learning it all my life--is that there are some things I just can't keep from happening.

That's not the lesson, though.

The lesson is that there is One Who CAN. And will I trust Him to be my champion as He was Leah's, as He was Mary's, as He was Magdalena's?

i see the world on His shoulders, and my easy load

I've got so much coming up with the end of the term and the start of the fall session. I've got the ethics portion of the bar (early August), the final for my second session class (mid August) and my paper (25 pages--I've never written that much all in one go) is due when my prof gets back from Austria (late August). Oh, and then fall term starts, and 17 hours along with it. Not to mention meeting the deadline for applying for the bar, and on-campus interviewing. Oh, and then the bar, and then trying to get a job to pay back the ridiculous debt I've accrued.

But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.

And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:

"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"

she wore an...

My life is full of numbers.

10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)

28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.

Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.

where is Death's power; where, Grave, thy victory?

My grief has finally arrived, and is showing up in strange ways. My heart keeps panicking at strange times, fearing unexpected and tragic deaths of loved ones. Holding a sleeping baby...climbing into bed beside my sleeping husband...I think it's the shock of watching Mom die so young...my brain is processing the knowledge that horrible things can happen. Which is a good thing to have processed, but at the same time I shouldn't be fearing that my husband or other close relative will be taken away from me. Mom was terminally sick--everyone else is pretty healthy.

I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.

I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.

There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.

I just want my mommy back.

this treason from within that reasons with my sin

Day 8 (of projected 21) of Daniel's fast. You know, I never knew just how much I loved meat until I quit eating it. And I thought what I would miss most would be the pastas and leavened breads. Nope. I think I can do without those.

As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.

Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.

To my beautiful, life-long friend

Today my beautiful mother died. A spirit so strong was forced to succumb to the infirmity of her body.

What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?

What can I do but love her?

wake up and pay attention

I realized the other day that I live my life by halves. I've never thrown myself fully into anything--school, music, relationships...anything. Which makes me wonder at my untapped potential. Who was it that said (something like) our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure?

That's me.

But what am I afraid of?

Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just making excuses. It just feels like I have the life I choose to have...so I should be making better choices.

My personal motto right now is something out of Star Wars. Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi on Dagobah, and Yoda tells Luke,

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."

That's me.

Stand and Deliver

We all want to be courageous. Fight--go over the top, when necessary. I've been mistaken in that I thought courage took action.

God has been proving me wrong.

There is an issue in my life that God is working on. A wound that was imperfectly healed is now being healed completely. The only problem is that, like a poorly set bone, I have to be rebroken in order to heal correctly. So I'm a mess right now! Going through emotion and pain that I thought I was done with...knowing that I can't do anything to make it better--or it will only make it worse.

That's what God is teaching me. Yes, He wants us to be brave, but sometimes that bravery takes the form of standing still, and allowing God to go before and do the work (in a moment!) you would have strived for months to get done. To be still, so God can show up (and show off!).

I don't think I've ever been so sorely tried as I've been this past week. But it's working...every time I feel pain, I wait on the Lord, and He's faithful to show me the truth to the lie I've been believing. It's scary (and exciting!) to rely entirely on Him--but I know that's the bottom line of the lesson I've been learning (really) for the last few years. Trust God to be Who He is at any point in your life.

Sleeping in Class

New workout regimen + late nights + new semester + work = sleeping in class.

It's so embarrassing, too! Oh, you can laugh about it later, but when you're in the middle of it and your head snaps back for the 4th time, or settles down into the warmth of your laptop...well, you just hope that no one noticed.

But people notice. I notice when other people are nodding. The bad thing is, I happen to know that I am NOT a pretty sleeper. Generally my mouth is open (though, mercifully, emitting no sound).

Oh well. I'm glad the semester has begun again, and glad to be almost to my next pay raise, and glad to be finally--FINALLY!--getting down to business health-wise. There's nothing like a new bill (though reasonable) every month to keep you motivated. I swear, this week, the thought of the automatic draft from our bank account was the only thing that kept me going to the gym.

Professor is actually professing right now, so I guess I'd better pay attention.

My Life As A Caterpillar

So...I've been doing this law school thing for a while now and I'm always amazed at the end of semester frenzy. The general trend in law schools is to give one grade, based on the final exam. We go frantic. We spin our cocoons and isolate ourselves from all but a select few, hoping--fervently hoping--that, after a few months of torture, we will emerge...butterflies of legendary proportions.

Perhaps, then, this is not the most opportune time to start a blog. After all, my cocoon is nearly halfway finished, and I only need to prepare my "quiet area" at home, and ensure my husband knows I love him, before sealing myself off.

But I find myself unspeakably isolated, though I'm around people on a daily basis. I have friends here, to be sure, but no one with whom I've felt a special kinship--a bosom friend, as the inimitable Anne of Green Gables would term the relationship. I left all those in Austin. Perhaps I am naive in thinking that relationships like that come around all the time? After all, my Best Friend in the Whole World (caveat for the husband) is certainly a woman without equal, and those certainly don't happen very often.

So here I am, online. Hoping at the very least to be more visible to, perhaps, my family; the members of which are increasingly scattered. Well...perhaps at the VERY least I just want someone to talk to--even if it is only my computer screen.

Oh my, what a depressing post. That wasn't my intention. I wouldn't wish to give the impression that I am unhappy with my life here in San Antonio. I'm studying what I love and married to him I love best. It's just the friends area that leaves much to be desired.

But for now, I'll wrap myself up, and hope for more opportunity in the real world next semester.