i write more often than it appears here...

...really, I do. At any given moment I have about 2 or 3 draft blogs on different topics. Sometimes they get finished, sometimes they languish. Sometimes it's just a piece of song I liked for a title, but don't really have anything to say about it yet, and I throw it into a draft just so I won't forget it later...

let it be a sweet, sweet sound

Our pastor began a new series on Sunday about relationships. The first message was a opener about how to live in harmony with one another. He kept using the word harmony in the context of "absence of conflict." And it reminded me of a thought that has been running through my spirit for about a year now:

"God is in the harmony."

As a musician/singer/songwriter, I know that harmony is a tool that adds depth and diversity to a musical composition. As a performer, I know that there are few things that shoot adrenaline through my system faster than a well executed 3-4 part harmony. I've seen people singing along as the team sings the melody, and then when the song builds and the voices break into parts, I see them fall on their knees, lift their hands, or turn their smiling faces heavenward. God is in the harmony.

Which isn't to say that He ISN'T in the melody as well, but I think there's a particular truth to be learned by considering musical harmony from a spiritually analogous perspective. Pastor said Sunday that most conflict arises from "differences" between people, and pointed out how our differences from our loved ones often rub us the wrong way. He said, "It would all be so much easier if we were all the same!" The church laughed, and I thought, "But then there'd be no 'harmony' because when everyone is the same, it's 'melody.'" There MUST be people singing different notes in order to get the richest sound. Sometimes the best-sounding harmony is "dissonance" (where two notes very close to each other are played producing a "clashing" sound).

So let us rejoice in our differences, and be "quick to hear" the harmony it brings.

i believe you have forgiven me, and by your grace i will forgive

The hits just keep on coming.

What I love about tough times in life is the peace that God grants me in the middle of turmoil. Sure, that circumstance just beat me to a pulp and left me bloody, bruised, and broken, but Jesus wasn't just making up catchy names when He called the Holy Spirit a "Helper." Also, "Comforter."

But it's uncomfortable, you know, when your brother betrays you, and the only "help" you get from the Holy Spirit is a gentle, "Seventy times seven." But the one thing about my faith and its application in my life that has always seemed quite straightforward is forgiveness. How can I withhold that which was so freely given to me?

There is nothing emotional about forgiveness. If you wait until you feel like forgiving someone, it will never happen. Forgiveness of others is a RESPONSE to the forgiveness you've been granted. It is an act of worship.

how could I know the morning if I knew not midnight?

I got a job after nearly 7 months of unemployment. It's a litigation position in Houston, uptown.

I find I don't blog as much as I'd like to, and it makes me wonder if I should reformat to a themed blog--experiences of a young attorney? the life of worship ministry? relevant study of scripture? I think my Facebook account covers what's actually happening in my life enough that this medium could be a different kind of outlet.

No one reads it, anyway.

it wasn't long til i learned to see life wouldn't always be easy for me

It's been a full year since I last updated this blog. Oh dear.

So many things have happened, a cursory rundown of the highlights seems tactless. Plus, it's probably better to focus on today, rather than the heartbreaking year I've had.

Currently unemployed. Stressed and not sleeping well. Living for the days I get to leave the house to go to church.

Such a depressing period in my life. I keep telling myself to reach out to God, and really immerse myself in His word--as I haven't had this much time on my hands since college--but most days I find myself triumphant if I get out of bed and do the dishes.

I never realized how much I needed regimen until it was all taken away from me. I feel, most days, like my brain is melting. I look for things to do while I'm doing things already--watching a movie and surfing the internet, doing a crossword puzzle, researching for a book I might one day write, walk Savannah and read a novel...things I used to squeeze into the small amount of leisure time I used to have.

I'm intrigued by the idea of going into business for myself. I am daunted by the sheer number of attorneys in Texas, though. And afraid I won't have what it takes to hustle. I find myself dreaming of government jobs and jobs in education--where the bottom line isn't the bottom line and I could contribute and do some good in the world.

The money was never the reason I chose my profession (though it's nice, when you have it). I just thought it made more sense to fight injustice from INSIDE the system.

And I have to trust that God means what He says, and that He hasn't brought me this far to leave me.

climb every mountain

Today we journeyed to Lost Maples State Natural Area, in the South Texas Hill Country west of San Antonio. Generally, it is about a 2 1/2 hour drive. However, we missed the turn off and drove 40 minutes out of our way to Kerrville, TX, thus extending the drive time a little. The road was very curvy and hilly (the part we were never supposed to have driven, yet ended up driving twice), and on the drive back down Savannah began to get a little green about the gills. She has a known history of car sickness, so to save my friend's upholstery we flipped a backseat down and I threw a leg over Savannah and forced her to lay down without moving or jostling for the rest of the trip. She fell right asleep, once stationary.

A 5 mile hike up rocky terrain to the height of 2200 feet awaited us when we arrived, but we were prepared with water (human and doggy bottles) and granola, and planned to go slowly and take MANY pictures (objective obtained, by the way).

The sun rose high during the course of our trip, and was right overhead as we began our ascent. We had two friends with us, a friend's tiny little Cocker Spaniel, Pepper, and, of course, Savannah. Pepper was a trooper but you could tell she was flagging by the time we got to the top. Savannah? She was having the best day of her 14 month life! I admit that putting her in a harness rather than a head collar was a bad idea, and I won't do it again, as I don't relish the thought of being pulled 5 miles...again...but I have to admit it came in handy, on the steep slopes, to be tethered to the strongest, most athletic member of our little group. She was in her element, leaping and bounding up the slopes, straining against the harness when I lagged behind (which I did often, as I'm not in nearly as good of shape as my svelte little girl). I finally gave her to J so I could focus on breathing, but once we all got to the top, we really felt like we accomplished something--despite the fact that no work had been done, no files billed, no plans drafted, no corrections made, the sense of having done something important remained. I don't think I'd ever climbed so high before--and right now my ankles and thighs are protesting any repeat performance--but I loved it.

We got to the "scenic overlook" and my friends and J began to take pictures out on the ledge overlooking the world. The view was magnificent. You saw the Medina River valley and all the adjacent cliffs and escarpments, all absolutely covered in that rarest of the rare (for South Texas) and the admitted goal of our little expedition this morning--trees changing color. We oohed and ahhed all the way over and during the entire hike over maple trees in brilliant yellow, orange, and red. Due to an ample downpour we'd gotten earlier in the week, even the evergreen, or late-turning trees were somehow greener. I hung back and handled the dogs, at first blaming Savannah for my reticence to go so far toward the edge. Finally someone took Savannah from me and I went out to take a picture with my husband amidst the glory of God's creation. My fingers gripped tightly to the back of his shirt as picture after picture was taken, and I felt vertigo gripping me before I'd even peeked over the ledge. I smiled brightly for the camera and explained to J in an aside that I'm quite afraid of heights, and was perfectly comfortable admiring the view from a safe distance. There wasn't even a railing, for Pete's sake.

We descended, and made it to a clear, cool pond. The dogs drank and wet their tired paws, and I chunked Savannah overboard, because she's entirely too scared of the water for such a large dog. She swam her way out and shook herself off 3 centimeters from where I was sitting--I guess I deserved it--but then was happier for being wet and cool. Mommy always knows best.

Now, sunburnt of shoulder and wind-whipped of face, I listen to the heavy sleep-breathing of my family in the other room. It is peaceful, after a day filled with so many visual and physical stimuli, to tap away at my keyboard and think, "Today was a good day."

you ain't nothing but a...

It occurred to me that my facebook gets a little "doggy" sometimes. Savannah is my favorite pastime.

Today we went to the park, as we do every week. Savannah is becoming somewhat of a therapy dog. Not for humans, but for other dogs. When we first got Savannah, she was 2 months old and afraid of EVERYTHING. She couldn't be more than 2 feet away from me without freaking out. It took SEVERAL months, but eventually she began to come around, to be more social with dogs (though still reserved with strange people). And now, she's teaching other fearful dogs that there's nothing to worry about.

Today we met a greyhound. I'd seen her there before, with her Italian Greyhound and Whippet family. Her name is Francesca, and her owners rescue Italians. She's the same age as Savannah, but is blind in one eye, and therefore has a little bit of a fearful nature. After all, she's a sight-hound. Not having the use of one eye is like a human having their dominant arm cut off.

She was muzzled, which never deters Savannah and me, because we know that a muzzle is just a tool, not a warning sign. They were all walking around the track, so Savannah and I came up behind them and I struck up a conversation with Francesca's owners. Savannah just walked beside Francesca.

After a couple of laps, Francesca became interested in Savannah. Savannah turned and offered to play. Francesca tentatively played back. After a couple more laps, they were all over each other, and Francesca was playing with other dogs as well. Her owners told me that this was a triumph for their shy lady, and gave me their contact information so the experience could be repeated. By the end of the visit, Francesca's muzzle came off and she and Savannah opened up in a game of chase. Savannah couldn't keep up, though it was interesting to watch her try and match the greyhound's speed. Though they're built similarly, the greyhound has much less mass to move, and more muscle to move it. An 80 pound Ridgeback has no chance against a 55 pound greyhound.

Tomorrow we'll go hiking in Lost Maples, where Savannah and my friend's dog Pepper will have to hike as a pack, while Pepper's owner and John take pictures.

I'm proud of Savannah for being so lovable, and for knowing exactly what another dog needs to help them just be a dog. She's laying at my feet now, tired out and waiting for her bath.

I've always loved dogs. But I had no clue I could love a dog this much.

what a lovely way to burn

I always mean to blog, and then never get around to it. I think up what I'm going to say during the commute home, and then forget to actually go type it in the reality of my homelife.

Speaking of homelife...I'm formulating a plan to get my little family OUT of my in-laws' house. It's been great for what it's been, and really came quite in the nick of time--we were completely out of money. But we're back on our feet, in a modest way, now, and I think it's time to fly the coop--I love my mother in law but don't get along with my father in law at all. Or at least I think I don't, but its hard to say for sure until we exchange more than 3 words to one another. They're good people, but its oppressive, and we're young enough to feel the itch to stretch our legs.

My puppy is staring at me from her crate, where she's been chilling for most of the last few days, while I've been laid low with fever and a pretty bad head cold. I'm unforgiveably behind on work (and probably shouldn't be blogging, therefore) but at least have an excellent excuse for it. I'll see if I can't catch up at least on the higher priority stuff today, as J has quite a bit of school work to take care of as well.

I thought we were going to be able to make it to Wisconsin for Christmas, but it looks like we won't be able to. Tickets are verrrry expensive just now and with my escape plan formulating...I just don't think it's possible. Disappointed, but J and I have started thinking maybe we'll run away to Padre for Christmas, or something. It would be a nice change of pace.

and if the Son has set us free...

This might just be a blog for the sake of blogging. I think I'll try to do a regular post once a month or so.

I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's "Finally Free" and thinking about the freedom that comes in Christ. 20 years after becoming a Christian I still feel so bound up by personality and idiosyncracies and experiences. I've always struggled to find the meaning, you know? Which traits are there for good and which for not so good and what can I learn from every experience. And to some, that may seem sort of coldly analytical, but I know myself. Though I develop callouses every now and then, and trip over my pride at times, I can say that I am teachable.

Of course, being teachable doesn't mean I always learn my lesson.

I think that the freedom that comes with knowing Christ is His grace. You can screw up, and it's okay, because the forgiveness is right there for the asking. And you don't have to agonize and over-analyze every time you slip up (my problem) because all that is just part of the bondage of sin--from which you are free. Learn your lesson, repent, change, move on. Strength to strength.

*****

My birthday is exactly one month from today. 25! Lower insurance rates! Woo! I think I want to go to Sea World. I've lived here 3 years now and have never gone. And Sea World is so much more FUN than Six Flags! Yeah, definitely Sea World.

*****

The Wisconsin trip was a blast, though I must admit that having to wrap up in blankets in July is redonkulous. I expected it to be a little warmer than that! Savannah was a wreck when we got home. She was so tired she couldn't even garner the proper enthusiasm. Just knocked out for like 24 hours. And she's got this strange cough/sneeze thing going on that I think she picked up at the kennel. It's getting better. John and I are both having sinus issues, though--I'm pretty sure it's the house we live in. We've lived there for 8 months now and the only reprieve I've had from sinus problems was the week we were in Wisconsin!

I'm off to explore every boundary and every door--yeah I'm goin' North...

You know you're a grown-up when:

The weekends take on new significance and importance, as the only freedom available during your week.
Caffeine also takes on a new significance and importance, as the only thing that can jump-start a Monday morning.
Vacation actually means something. Not just break from school, which is very carefree altogether, but a get-away from work.

Speaking of vacation--how excited am I about Wisconsin? VERY stinking excited. I can't wait to get out of the heat and into light scarves, jackets, and jeans. Lighting a fire at night because it actually gets cold. Swimming in the river, basking in the sun, eating AMAZING food, and getting to know my family a little better than last year.

Wisconsin has always been a retreat for me...and I think my Dad worked hard to make it that way. I absolutely LOVE living in Texas, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life so far, but there's something about the peace and serenity of the hills and valleys of rural Wisconsin that just speaks directly to my soul...

...and reminds me of the Meadow, and Hazel, and running around barefoot and hardly clothed--or else dressed to the nines in my aunts' discarded formalwear...

and I rejoice that I had those days, and that there are better yet to come as my family continues to grow.

I love you guys, and I'll see you soon!

"up where the hunted hide with ease,
under the arms of eyeless trees,
up where the answers fall like leaves,
oh and your love is all I need,
yeah, I'm goin' North."

like a boss

I figured I'd blog a little more often about the new-found interest my life has attained.

Today's Attorney Lesson: Being the Boss

OK, so clearly there is only one BOSS at this firm--the guy with his name on the door. But there's a firm hierarchy in which I, as an associate attorney, am no longer the low man on the pole. At the top there are the partners (the Names), directly below them are the associates (arrayed by experience and length of time w/ the firm), below them are the paralegals (who, in my opinion, are the backbone of the profession) and below the paralegals are the general support staff--intake, secretaries, runners, receptionists, etc. There's also an office manager, who, as far as I have ever been able to tell, has the impossible job of keeping everyone happy.

So I have my "very own" paralegal, who helps me out with the clerical aspects of my job--the faxing, the routine client calls, calling doctors for medical reports, etc. Earlier today I was sitting in my office about to draft a document (about which I was only 65% sure) and it occurred to me that maybe I'm not the one who does that. So I marched over to a more senior associate's office and asked for a briefing on HOW TO USE my legal assistant.

I've never been "above" anyone before. I've always been the assistor, not the assistee. It's kind of nice, knowing that there is someone who has my back if I just get super overwhelmed or anything. And that I probably don't have to send faxes myself anymore--I hate faxing. It's like the most unreliable method of communication EVER DEVISED.

So that's Brenna's lesson for today. How to roll like a boss.

big wheel keep on turnin'

I got a job as a workers comp attorney in South SATX. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

It's like I'm seeing everything for the first time. Through new eyes. The eyes of an attorney--a productive member of society. A grown up. I get up early and work all day.

But in a lot of ways I still feel like the 18 year old who left home 7 years ago and has been supporting herself ever since. I still feel like a kid who's just getting by until her ship comes in. But it's arrived, and I'm on board.

In other news, we'll be heading to Wisconsin at the end of this month. I've been in need of a vacation, I think. I can't wait to see my ENTIRE family and just chill out, eating and laughing and talking.

with every breath I take in, I'll tell You I'm grateful again

I passed the bar. I was in Target, doing some shopping, when I pulled out my phone to check my shopping list and thought, "Oh, well, I'll just open the internet browser and see if they posted the results." They were there.
*Tap "Pass List"*
*Tap "S"*
*Stare crazily at screen*
*See name*
*Scream and cry.*

I'm not going to say it was the greatest day of my life. But I will say I felt relief and elation like nothing I'd ever felt before.

So...if anyone knows of job openings for attorneys in the greater San Antonio area, let me know!

I know I promised puppy pictures--I'll ask J to give me some (he's the photographer) and I'll post them next time--hopefully sooner than 3 months from now!

in the heat of the day, with each stone that I lay

Well, I know it's been quite a while. My fall semester was ridiculous, taking 17 hours like a crazy person so I could get within the required hours to take the bar exam early.

And I am! Taking the bar, I mean. I've been studying (and only studying) for a month now, and there's less than 3 weeks to go! 3 years of preparation, and it all comes down to this. The test itself is 3 days long, starting Feb 24 at 9 am and ending Feb 26 at 4 pm. This is not just a test of mental aptitude and knowledge of the law--this is a test of physical, emotional, and spiritual endurance. We did a practice exam the other day and I almost fell asleep during the afternoon session. I'm going to have to train harder.

Because I haven't REALLY been studying as MUCH as I should, I suppose. But for some reason, just as always, I don't feel panicked. I study hard, and then I play with my puppy (pictures to come!) or hang out with my husband...who is also super busy--it was a good choice registering him for 15 hours while I took the bar! He doesn't feel so neglected...of course, I suppose I will starting in March! ha!

Anyway, and as usual, it's a wonderful life. God is blessing the Bible study I lead for the women in the law school, and my marriage is happy and healthy. Savannah (puppy) unfortunately has to stay in a crate much of the day, but that will change after the bar. So many things will change after the bar!

love wash over a multitude of things

You see someone you care about in a destructive pattern, and you want so badly for them to pull out. So you rage and scream, plead, beg, and pray.

And it doesn't change.

The hardest lesson for me to learn--and I think, now that I look back, that I've been learning it all my life--is that there are some things I just can't keep from happening.

That's not the lesson, though.

The lesson is that there is One Who CAN. And will I trust Him to be my champion as He was Leah's, as He was Mary's, as He was Magdalena's?

i see the world on His shoulders, and my easy load

I've got so much coming up with the end of the term and the start of the fall session. I've got the ethics portion of the bar (early August), the final for my second session class (mid August) and my paper (25 pages--I've never written that much all in one go) is due when my prof gets back from Austria (late August). Oh, and then fall term starts, and 17 hours along with it. Not to mention meeting the deadline for applying for the bar, and on-campus interviewing. Oh, and then the bar, and then trying to get a job to pay back the ridiculous debt I've accrued.

But it's summer. And my memories of lazy summers in Wisconsin float back to me. So I snatch moments at random:
bare feet on warm concrete as the sun is setting in the broad Texas sky
the smell of burning charcoal, red meat and chlorine
screams of encouragement as my bat connects with the ball
the way my heart swells in contentment when my husband lets loose and does something completely goofy, because I know his heart safely trusts in me.

And the music of Nichole Nordeman, who is the voice of my muse, if ever I had one:

"We stutter, and we stammer til You say us, a symphony of chaos til You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown, til You read us into poetry and prose"

she wore an...

My life is full of numbers.

10: the size I'd like to be, as all my clothes are this size and they are very uncomfortable to wear right now.
12-14: the size I am, courtesy of year one of marriage
150: the goal weight (for the moment)
23: the number of pounds I have to lose to get there (do your own math)

28 days, 30 minutes of cardio and three sets of 10 to 12, with 5-10 lbs weights...it's enough to drive a girl insane.

Oh, and Kels, if you're reading this, how do I post more than 5 pics at a time? I'd like to blog about the vacation.

where is Death's power; where, Grave, thy victory?

My grief has finally arrived, and is showing up in strange ways. My heart keeps panicking at strange times, fearing unexpected and tragic deaths of loved ones. Holding a sleeping baby...climbing into bed beside my sleeping husband...I think it's the shock of watching Mom die so young...my brain is processing the knowledge that horrible things can happen. Which is a good thing to have processed, but at the same time I shouldn't be fearing that my husband or other close relative will be taken away from me. Mom was terminally sick--everyone else is pretty healthy.

I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel cheated, because I was just about to be in a position to do something substantive for her. I feel helpless, because I can't control how people live their lives. I feel angry that people continue to live their lives in destructive patterns.

I don't know how to explain to my friends that, while I used to have a few drinks with them, one is now my limit. Because when you're just out for drinks and dinner, you don't want to spoil the atmosphere by saying, "Well, my mother died of alcoholism, so there is a possibility that I may be genetically predisposed to the same malady, so I choose to drink sensibly." Party foul. They all know I'm dealing with the loss of my mom, but none of them really know why she died.

There are moments when I just can't take it. I can't stand the fact that so bright a life was frittered away. I'm angry at every person who ever abused her heart and body, who ever manipulated her and drove her to destroy herself. I want revenge on those people. I want revenge on her for being weak enough to allow them to destroy her.

I just want my mommy back.

this treason from within that reasons with my sin

Day 8 (of projected 21) of Daniel's fast. You know, I never knew just how much I loved meat until I quit eating it. And I thought what I would miss most would be the pastas and leavened breads. Nope. I think I can do without those.

As for this very moment...I skipped breakfast and some veggies from Panda sound really good right now...but they're made in chicken broth. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

The good parts of the fast so far:
-God has given me a direction for the bible study in the fall. I'm going to pray about it for the next few days/weeks and see if there's anything else He wants me to know
-God has been blessing my marriage--even our fights. I always learn something new about J and myself.
-I feel AMAZING. Tired from lack of caffeine, but not to the point of painful detox. Stomach issues non-existent. When I start eating the rest again, I'll add it back gradually to see if I really should cut back on the dairy, or if it's the pastas, etc. or meat itself. Excited to find out how my body works.

Hope the problem isn't meat, though. Really love meat.

To my beautiful, life-long friend

Today my beautiful mother died. A spirit so strong was forced to succumb to the infirmity of her body.

What can I do but miss her?
What can I do but bow to the will of a sovereign Lord?
What can I do but rejoice at the hope of Heaven?

What can I do but love her?